


please stand up (put one of those fingers on each hand up)

by raspberrywildfire



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Family, Gen, Let Five Say Fuck 2019, Names, Siblings, Some Comic Elements, Twins, boys fight, their numbers are just code, why doesn't five have a nickname
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 15:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17900621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raspberrywildfire/pseuds/raspberrywildfire
Summary: “Don’t you want a real name?”“Five is my real name. And besides, I’ve become kind of proud of it.”“What, proud that your father never even bothered to name you? That it was just easier for him to name his children according to what order they were bought, oh I’m sorry, I mean adopted in?”





	please stand up (put one of those fingers on each hand up)

**Author's Note:**

> yes five is the real slim shady

“Hey Five?” Diego called after his brother, stopping him from walking away. Five turned to face him, one eyebrow raised, “Why did you never pick a name? I mean, I know you weren’t here when Mom gave us ours but...”

Five shrugged, “I guess I never really thought about it. I spent thirteen years getting used to having a number instead of a name and then I spent forty-five years in a post-apocalyptic world where there was no real need of a name, not until The Handler found me anyway.  I was mostly focused on getting home and a name seemed like too small a thing to worry about.”

Diego seemed surprised at that. His name was always something that he held close; he may have never known the one his birth-mother gave him during the short time they were together, but he cherished the one that Grace, his real mother, had given him. He had asked her its meaning before when he was young and she had smiled that soft smile of hers and answered with a single word. He had been too proud to admit that he didn’t understand what it meant and after a quick look one of the many dictionaries in the library, he wasn’t any the wiser as to the implications of being named ‘supplanter’.

“But what about now?” Diego asked him, “Don’t you want a real name?”

Five looped his thumbs through the belt loops of his shorts. “Five _is_ my real name. I’ve spent so long being called it that I forget it’s a quantity sometimes. And besides, I’ve become kind of proud of it.”

Diego scoffed, “What, proud that your father never even bothered to name you? That it was just easier for him to name his children according to what order they were bought, oh I’m sorry, I mean _adopted_ in?”

“Are you honestly that fucking stupid?” asked the boy as he stared in disbelief, waving him down when he lurched forward as if to start a fight, “You’re such a hothead. I mean, me and Luther are twins, what kind of sense does it make to adopt him, adopt three other kids and _then_ adopt me? Going by your logic, _I_ should be Number Two.”

“Well, what else could it be? What other reason could he have had?” countered Diego, continuing in a murmur, “Though I wouldn’t put it past the old bastard to have picked them out of a hat.”

Five’s mouth turned up into a horrible little smirk that Diego remembered from childhood; the one he had always worn when he knew something you didn’t. Diego had seen it far too many times for his liking.

“Don’t you get it?” Five took a step closer and tilted his chin up so he could still maintain eye contact, “It’s a sliding scale. Tell me, what are Luther’s powers?”

The man tensed, “I don’t have time for whatever riddle bullshit this is, Five.”

Five’s smile grew wider. “Humour me,” he said.

Diego clenched and unclenched his hand, god he’d forgotten how much this twerp got to him. “Luther’s strong, really strong, and he’s got that monkey-boy shit going on ever since Dad fucked with him. He’s not a bad pilot or shot either.”

“And?” Five let the question hang in the air.

“And nothing. Is there a point to this?”

“Hang on, I’m getting there. Now what about you, what are your powers?”

“Now you’re just fucking with me.”

He moved to brush past his brother but Five held up a hand, “I’m getting to the point, I promise. Just tell me your powers.”

“I can curve whatever I throw so my accuracy is insane and I can hold my breath so long I get bored. There, happy now?”

Five nodded, “Incredibly so. Tell me, is that _more_ or _less_ extraordinary than being strong and flying straight.”

“More,” Diego answered, puffing up a bit.

“And what about Allison? Is curving knives and holding your breath _more_ or _less_ extraordinary than altering reality?”

Diego deflated a bit and Five watched realisation dawn across his face.

“It’s a ranking system,” Five ploughed on, “One of usefulness I presume; our dear old dad didn’t have the temperament for frivolities. So yeah, I’m proud to be five out of seven, even if the man who graded us was a heartless dick.”

Diego looked down and stayed quiet for a bit, probably dealing with the blow against his ego that was going from perceived second best to second last, Five thought.

“That sick fuck!” Diego burst out suddenly, lashing out to overturn the console table on Five’s left. The boy didn’t flinch but instead fell backward into a micro-jump in space, reappearing behind the bar. He watched impassively as his brother struggled to express emotions in a mature and competent way. It wasn’t wholly unexpected, they were raised to be violent after all.

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s all the noise about?” Luther’s voice floated over to them from the foyer. He stopped in the doorway and took in the sight of his brothers. The juxtaposition was almost comical, one standing over an upturned table and broken vase, silently fuming; the other behind the bar, calmly pouring himself a finger of whiskey.

“Anyone want to tell me what happened?” Luther was using his ‘mediator’ voice and boy, did that get Diego’s hackles up.

“Now listen here you-”

“It seems it was my fault,” Five cut him off, “I should have realised that Diego wasn’t mature enough for the truth.” He topped off his statement with a doe-eyed look to his twin, hoping that his youthful looks would at least momentarily prevent him from remembering that mentally, Five was fifty eight years old.

It worked.

Luther turned toward his other brother and frowned, “What was so bad that you felt the need to wreck the furniture? Did you have to do it here? At least the training rooms were built with destruction in mind.”

“It was that _asshole_ ,” snarled Diego, sweeping an arm out to point at the oil painting of Sir Reginald Hargreeves, “Ranking us like we were NFL teams instead of his goddamn children!”

He lowered his arm in a sharp movement and stormed over to the couch, sitting down hard and putting his face in his hands.

Luther’s brow furrowed in confusion, “Ranking? Diego what are you talking about?”

Not looking up, Diego thrust a hand out to point to where Five was lounging on a barstool, “Ask him.”

Spaceboy looked to Five for help. The boy rolled his eyes and swished the whiskey in his glass around before downing the lot.

“I suppose I’ll have to walk you through it like with that one,” he sighed, nodding towards the couch. And, because he was feeling uncharacteristically charitable (and somewhat intellectually superior); he did.

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” protested Luther when the explanation had ended, “He couldn’t have known what our powers would be when we were babies, it’s just a coincidence.”

Five raised his eyes doubtfully, “I can’t remember a time I didn’t have powers, though your memories are probably clearer than mine. My working theory is that he waited until we showed signs of potential before naming, or well, numbering us.”

“But,” Luther bit his lip, “That would mean, we went months or maybe even a year without a name. He wouldn’t do that.”

A hollow laugh came from the couch, “Wouldn’t he?” retorted Diego, rising to stand, “The same man that ‘helped’ me develop my powers by forcing me to throw knives at Mom but curve them at the last possible moment to hit a different target instead?”

Luther shook his head, “That’s not the same, she’s a robot.”

“She’s our _Mom_!” Diego yelled, “This is why you’ll never _get_ the rest of us! You’re still trying to kiss his ass even when his ashes are in a pile on the lawn!”

“What? Was I supposed to leave like the rest of you?” questioned Luther, stepping closer to his brother so that their chests were just inches apart, “Leave him alone in this huge house with nothing but his two experiments for company?”

“Newsflash asshole, we’re experiments too!” exploded Diego, bodily tackling the man in front of him.

Except the expected fall to the ground tussle didn’t occur because the man was built like a brick- shithouse and had braced for the assault. What Diego got instead was a shove that sent him flying halfway across the room, crashing into the wing-back armchair by the fireplace. He fumbled for one of his knives and was readying his throw when Five popped in and out of place beside him, leaving enough time between the appearance and disappearance to hit him with a taxidermy hunting trophy.

Diego looked up in time to see the same thing happen to Luther, with Five having to stand on the couch to reach the man’s head. The boy then reappeared in the middle of the room between them. He dropped the fox head that was his makeshift weapon and put his hands on his hips, glaring at the two of them.

“Are you done?” he asked impatiently, “We have shit to do. The apocalypse? Remember?”

**Author's Note:**

> hi yeah its me again im sorry thank you for reading im delirious from bingewatching and also lack of sleep but if anyone wants o here my mini essay on why the fandom dislikes luther ill be awake for another three yeasr
> 
> also be nice, the last time i posted fanfiction was in the age of asking for no flames
> 
> does anyone know if i can adopt aidan gallagher so i can give his irish ass name a passport to match
> 
> EDIT: I have been kindly informed that the show has the characters names before Five leaves but I plead artistic license


End file.
